


The Price You Pay For Arrogance And A False Sense Of Immunity

by Time_Is_Restored



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, character typical failure to have a debate without resorting to logical fallacies, discussions of bullying and abuse, feat. a special appearance from the orange side, gaslighting (however unintentional), no one here is unsympathetic but they are all having an extremely bad time, seriously these guys aren't even in a state fit to argue abt what to have for dinner and YET, some extremely unchill things get said, they'll be okay eventually but today is not that day, who is maybe not as hidden as you would think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24695263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Time_Is_Restored/pseuds/Time_Is_Restored
Summary: In which before things can get better, everything has to get much, much worse.Alternatively: Patton, Roman, and Logan have an argument about an old acquaintance, and Logan finally reveals something new about himself.
Comments: 35
Kudos: 180





	The Price You Pay For Arrogance And A False Sense Of Immunity

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: At the point of time in which this fic takes place, it has only been a few weeks since SvS:POF, and a lot of very important conversations regarding Janus and Roman's relationship have yet to be had. Their relationships with the other sides are thus accordingly tense.
> 
> The title is from the song Community Gardens by The Scary Jokes!

Thomas doesn’t know when it happened. 

(How can he _not know?_ One of his Sides, a part of him, inextricably his, falling apart right in front of him and he’s not even sure when it started-)

...He remembers the following: 

\---

Thomas’ head is pounding once he’s finally set up the tripod. He can feel them arguing already - knows it's likely all any of them have been able to do for days now - and it fills him with _dread_.

Start the video. Start the video and they’ll work it out. They always do. He trusts them - he really does.

(His finger hovers over the camera for far longer than he would be willing to admit.)

Eventually, he finds it within him to just _pull the trigger on this nightmare already_ \- but he hardly has time to say anything at all before three of his sides rise into position and immediately jump into an argument. 

“There is _nothing_ wrong with taking some time for ourselves!” Patton is saying, pointedly, and Roman practically growls in response. Thomas has never seen the prince so dishevelled - he looks like he's been awake for days _._

_“That_ is not taking time for ourselves, Padré. _That_ would be being a yellow-bellied coward!” 

Patton’s eyes flare, and Thomas feels himself wince in sympathy. “Janus is _not_ being a coward, Roman, he is _keeping_ us _safe!”_

“Sure, and making sure the respect from Thomas’ peers dies a slow, painful death! Sounding the alarm is _supposed_ to be _Virgil’s_ job!” 

“What,” Virgil cuts in, “so I happen to _barely_ agree with Janus _once_ and now you talk about me like I’m not even here _?”_

Roman rounds on Virgil with an intensity that Thomas does not miss from their earlier days. “I _thought_ you had better judgment than that. Evidently, I was wrong!” 

“Oh yeah?” Virgil scoffs. “And who was it that let him worm his way into our discussions in the _first_ place, I wonder? Because I just _know_ it wasn’t me!” 

“Oh, of course,” Roman laughs, cruelly. “Silly me! You’re right, that couldn’t possibly be your fault, especially since you put just so much effort into fighting him off, right? Or, wait a second, _actually,_ as it turns out, _you didn’t even bother to show up!”_

“That’s _enough,_ you two!” Patton snaps, and the squabbling pair barely look abashed for more than a moment before Janus snaps into place by Patton’s side, and then they look ready to scream _._

“Our personal disagreements aside-” he tries, but Roman is practically vibrating with the strength of his frustration. 

“Oh of course, because you’ve never done anything that would make you worthy of distrust, right?” 

To Janus’ credit, he has really mastered the art of the evil eye. “I _said,_ putting that _aside_ , the fact that Virgil and I are in agreement about anything is as clear a sign as any that you should hear one of us out, at the very least.” 

Thomas isn’t sure whether Roman or Virgil are going to jump him first, but Janus preemptively holds up a hand, grimacing. “I won’t stick around. I’m not so ego-driven that I think my argument only has worth if _I’m_ the one arguing it. But on the condition that I leave you all alone…” 

He pauses, and glances almost guiltily at Thomas. “With your permission?” 

Thomas blinks, weirdly startled by the intensity of his Sides’ sudden attention. “Umm. I don’t actually know what your suggestion is yet, Janus.” 

Janus looks confused, momentarily, then laughs dryly. “Ah, of course. I forget, sometimes, the degree to which I tend to obfuscate your awareness of your own thought processes. I was referring to nominating a second of sorts for Virgil and I.” 

“A second?” Patton echoes, cautiously. 

“Oh, we do _not_ need another one of you, thank you very much!” Roman exclaims. Virgil rolls his eyes so violently Thomas is vaguely worried he’s going to strain something. 

“He’s talking about getting someone else to argue our points for us, you airhead. And by the way,” he raises his hand mockingly, as if getting permission to speak in class, “I’m not gonna just sit here and let you write me out of this whole argument.” 

“Really?” Janus arches an eyebrow. 

“Yes, really! Who would you even-” 

With one sharp flourish, Janus waves his hand and Logan rises into place without a word. He casts one quick look at Janus, then Virgil, and finally Thomas, before sighing and folding his hands neatly in front of him, waiting. 

There’s silence for a long moment. 

“...Actually, that’s… yeah, whatever, that’s smart,” Virgil mutters, and Janus grins, delighted. Logan doesn’t react. 

“Then we’re all in agreement?” 

Patton and Roman exchange nervous glances, but both hesitantly nod. 

“Excellent,” Janus says, steepling his hands together. “Logan, I trust you don’t need to be informed of the state of current affairs?” 

In response to his name, Logan shifts his stance ever so slightly, and adjusts his glasses. “For the sake of privacy, I assume we are redacting everyone’s true identity?” 

From the surprised look Janus and Virgil share, it’s clear they hadn’t thought that far ahead. 

Logan sighs, but carries on regardless. “This month marked the return of one of Thomas’ acquaintances from childhood back from overseas service. Unbeknownst to us, his arrival back in the States - Florida specifically - had apparently been anticipated for quite some time among our close friends. He has been welcomed back with open arms and much celebration.” 

He looks down at his shirt, adjusting the cuffs of his sleeves as he continues. “Thomas, however, did not have a relationship with…” He pauses, looks to Roman. “Nickname?” 

Roman all but literally lights up with excitement. “Captain Hokey!” 

Logan pauses. “...An admiral of affecting contrived emotions?” 

“Well, yes, but see, it _starts_ like Captain Hook, and the Captain ties back to his military title-”

“I like it,” Janus smiles, and the joy falls from Roman’s face in an instant. Virgil stares determinedly at the floor.

“...Right.” Logan says, eventually, when it’s clear that the tense silence is here to stay. “As I was saying, Thomas’ relationship with… Captain was not worth celebrating. In fact his frankly relentless torment had a direct correlation not _only_ with the severity of Thomas' anxious thinking, but also his use of lying as a survival mechanism.” 

“The less he knew about you,” Janus mutters, darkly, “the less he could use against you.” 

Patton looks very much like he wants nothing more than to hug everyone in the room, but apparently settles for shooting a worried look in Virgil’s direction. The anxious side waves his concern off, but Thomas watches as he curls in on himself anyway.

“Precisely,” Logan nods. “To cut a long story short, he is at the very least partially responsible for some of the formative years of Thomas’ life being as difficult as they were. And, to date, he has offered no apology nor otherwise indicated that he regrets his behaviour.” 

“Our opposing positions, as they stand, are as follows: firstly,” he begins to number the arguments off on his fingers, “Patton believes that while we should forgive him, we have no obligation to subject ourselves to his presence, no matter how many of our friends’ events we subsequently miss out on.” 

He glances briefly over at Patton, who looks a little bit nauseous, but nods. 

Nodding in turn, he continues. “Secondly, there’s Roman’s stance. As I understand it, he believes that we should forgive him, in as much as we act as if nothing is wrong, and continue attending all social gatherings as normal so as to communicate exactly how much we’ve grown since he’s seen us last.” 

“We have no reason to be scared of him _any_ longer!” Roman declares, confidently. “We are adults now; strong, self-sufficient, and surrounded by people who love us for who we truly are. _He_ shan’t take that away from us.” 

Logan takes a deep breath, and looks over at Virgil, gaze softening ever so slightly, though its gone by the time he glances back at Janus. “Then, finally, there’s the argument that I have been nominated to represent - that not only do we owe this man nothing, least of all our forgiveness, but similarly, we should not subject ourselves to his presence barring an absolute emergency.”

He pauses. “Before you two tap out, can I enquire what everyone’s position is on talking to Thomas’ friends about our history with the Captain? It seems a rather crucial decision we will have to make at some point, but thus far it's barely been addressed.”

“We shouldn’t make them feel guilty for the people they choose to spend their time with,” Patton says, immediately. 

Roman grimaces. “Frankly, I can hardly see what good it would do. We can’t change the past, but we _can_ fight for a future in which we are the _only_ writer of our destiny.” 

Logan nods, curt. “And Janus?” 

Janus hums, resting his chin lightly on the edge of his hand. “Far be it from me to advocate _total_ honesty, but… frankly, I hardly imagine we would need to edit the real story in order to evoke sympathy from our friends. The more people we have on our side-” 

“-the quicker he’s out of our lives.” Virgil finishes with a growl. 

“Hmm. The ‘name and shame’ approach, then, it is safe to assume?” Logan directs this particular question to Virgil, who seems to shrink under the other Sides' blank stare. 

“I- I don’t know- I just- what if he does it to the people we- that _Thomas_ loves?They deserve to know, even-” he cuts himself off, but Logan simply nods. 

“Regardless of the actions it inspires them to take, the two of you are in agreement that Thomas’ friends should be informed. Very well.” With two sharp, quick motions, he adjusts his collar and tightens his tie. “I can take it from here.” 

Janus smiles, nods, and is gone. Patton looks genuinely nervous as he steps back over to his usual position. 

Virgil, however, seems less willing to go. He’s looking at Logan with an expression that Thomas can’t quite place, but looks… apprehensive, almost. He reaches up to scratch at the back of his head as he shrugs, nervously. 

“You sure you’re good out here, Teach? I can stick around for a bit longer if you- I mean, if it would help?” 

For a moment, Logan simply stares at him, unblinking. Thomas and Patton share a quick, worried glance, but suddenly he sighs. “I appreciate your concern, Virgil, but I don’t wish for you to burn yourself out fighting this battle when I am perfectly capable of substituting for you.” 

Virgil looks… unnerved. But more than that, he looks tired. So he shoves his hands into his pockets and shakes his head, defeated. 

“Alright. Knock ‘em dead, L.” 

And then he’s gone. 

Logan turns to the others, expression a perfect mask of neutrality. “Well then. Who would like to start?” 

“...What?” Patton says, finally.

Logan arches an eyebrow. “The debate. We _are_ doing this now, right?” 

“I- well, yes, I just-” 

“We kind of figured we had already started,” Roman cuts in, nodding. 

Logan eyes narrow. “Fine. Then, who would like to _further_ _argue their case_ first?” 

“...Logan-” Thomas tries, but he holds up a hand, giving him a quick, sharp shake of the head. 

“Thomas, you are the judge of today’s proceedings. Offering your opinion before we’re done, susceptible as it is to change, will only muddle the process.” 

Thomas blinks, and it takes him an embarrassing amount of time to remember to close his mouth.

“Thank you. And, if nobody wants to volunteer to go first, I would personally like to nominate Roman.” 

Everyone left in the room does a surprisingly synchronised double take.

“Roman?” Patton blurts, at the same time Roman exclaims, “Me!?” 

Logan blinks. “Yes. You’ve been rather quiet these last few minutes, despite your agitation when first summoned. I thought you would like to… figuratively get some things off your chest, as it were.” 

“I…” Roman looks nervously between Logan and Patton, apparently waiting for some kind of trick to be revealed. When nothing makes itself obvious, he straightens up ever so slightly and actually almost smiles _._ “Thank you, I suppose?” 

“Whenever you’re ready,” Logan responds, evenly. 

Roman takes a deep breath, and Thomas feels momentarily lightheaded as the wave of confidence typically only reserved for performing suddenly wells up within him. 

“The thing is, Thomas,” he starts, “we’ve been hurt before. Hell, you and your _actual_ friends have crossed blades many a time in the past!”

“Figuratively,” Logan mutters under his breath, but Roman pays him no mind. 

“Why is it that we must go back on our values, on our _loved ones,”_ he glances over at Patton for a tad longer than what would let it be subtle, “for a cruelty done to you well over a _decade_ ago? Why should _he_ get a seat at the glorious round table of our decision making?” 

“Forgive him, don’t forgive him, whatever! That’s not my call. But we _can’t_ just abandon our life- everything we’ve worked so hard for up until this point- that’s nothing less than letting him win!”

“But this doesn’t need to be a fight!” Patton breaks in, voice shaking with effort to stay calm. 

Roman rounds on him, affronted. “So you’re taking his side?” 

“No!” Patton yelps, and Thomas wants to cry his Heart's so tired _-_

“I’m not- I would _never_ say that what he did was okay, not _ever._ But talking as if Thomas’ recovery is something that- that needs to be bandied about like some kind of trophy? It just reinforces the idea that there’s still bad blood between the two of them.” 

“Isn’t there?” Roman and Logan say at the same time. Roman looks surprised. Logan simply stares at Patton with a frankly intimidating level of concentration. 

Patton curls back in on himself, ever so slightly, but seems to catch himself mid-motion and exhales, straightening his shoulders in order to look Logan in the eye. 

“No. There isn’t. That was the _past._ Judging by the fact that Thomas’ friends are so fond of him, it’s clear that he’s changed.” 

Roman frowns. “But we _know_ that their opinion of him is based on how he was in the past, right around the time when he was unquestionably tormenting Thomas!” 

Patton flinches as he looks back towards Roman. “Well- I mean- that-” 

Roman huffs, folding his arms across his chest. “‘The past is the past’ can only get us so far in life, Patton. Some people are _simply_ villainous from birth.” 

“And therefore we must continue to give them our time and energy,” Logan says quietly, eyebrows furrowed together. 

“Exactly!” Roman exclaims, happily, then seems to realise where his support came from, and tilts his head to the side, confused. “Wait. Did you mean that, just now?” 

Logan puts his hand up to his chin, propping it up as he thinks. “Well, I meant it in the sense that I was stating what I believe your point to be. I don’t agree with it, no.” 

Roman’s face falls. “...Oh.”

“But, please, keep going. I think I understand the crux of Patton’s argument now, but…”

Roman laughs heartily, although it sounds fake even by his standards. “What, defeated already by my argumentative rigor, Specs?”

Logan barely even blinks. “No, not quite. But I do think we should change tacts, in order to get some more… _specific_ answers that would help clarify things.”

“And how do you propose we do that?” 

Logan taps the rim of his glasses. “Well, let’s try a game of ‘this or that’. Is this ‘battle’ the culmination of Thomas’ recovery of his sense of self worth, in which he faces off against the figurative final boss that is his childhood tormentor, or is it a chance encounter with no deeper meaning?” 

Roman looks, confused, between Thomas and Patton. Thomas can do nothing but shrug. As much as Logan is ultimately an aspect of him, it doesn’t mean he can always follow his train of thought.

(Especially not lately. He’s tried to forget those last few moments on that day from hell, April 13th. But Logan’s face, all cut up and pixelated from the other side of that display, as he told the others that he knew they didn’t care about him- Jesus. How messed up is it that he hasn't even _thought_ about that moment until just now? It didn't even qualify within the top three most disturbing revelations of that day, at least not in the moment. But in hindsight-) 

“Well… of course I’d have to say the former!” Roman pushes forward, forcing a brave smile alongside a suitably dramatic pose. “You could say _anything_ is a chance encounter, even this conversation between us, now! But that _hardly_ means it has no deeper meaning!”

“Elucidate.” Logan says, curtly. 

“We are _not_ the same people we once were when he could hurt us so! We have changed! We’ve _grown!_ He-”

“And he hasn’t? Do you really think, somehow, that he’ll be exactly as intimidating as he was when he was a child?” 

For the first time, Roman seems genuinely stricken. 

Logan sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose between his index finger and his thumb. “Never mind. Clearly, you think this is significant because it's a chance to showcase our growth - that much has already been proven. There’s no point in my forcing you to dwell on it. Next scenario.” 

“In the case that we avoid him, is that an act of selflessness or selfishness?” 

Now Roman looks _pained._ “...I-” 

Logan huffs impatiently. “Is your desire to lord our so called ‘recovery’ over him, as you see it, for the sake of others, or for us?” 

Roman looks desperately at Patton, but he just shakes his head, lost. “I… I don’t know- for us, I suppose?” 

Logan narrows his eyes. “But _why?”_

“Why what?” 

“Why would we do something like that?” 

“To prove that it’s _real!”_ Roman finally bursts out, and Logan simply sighs, like it was exactly the answer he was expecting. But Roman isn’t finished. 

“We-” he continues, desperately, “it’s all very well to _say_ that we’re over him, that we’re better now. But how will we ever know for _sure_ if we don’t go to the belly of the beast and _confront_ that damn villain!”

It’s Patton who cuts in now, quietly. “You think... parading around our own success will distract from how terrible we feel in his presence?” 

“Obviously! The _only_ way to rise above that pain is to rub how well we’re doing in his stupid little face! As long as we believe it, he will too!” 

“Would you run into a wildfire to demonstrate just how long its been since you last caught fire?” Logan snaps, irritated. 

The others stare at him, startled into silence. 

He sighs. “Listen. I was called in to argue on behalf of Janus and Vigil, but I feel it would be intellectually dishonest if I did not call attention to the fact that theirs’ is the argument that I feel most closely aligns with my own views.” 

He adjusts his glasses. “However, I would also be failing my assigned duties if I refused to argue this with you whatsoever, so I hope you can forgive the occasional... burst of subjectivity.” 

_Assigned duties?_

“That being said, I must say that Roman’s view of how a theoretical encounter with Captain would go is… well, frankly, its fanciful.” 

Roman scoffs, but Logan squares his shoulders and continues. “As you yourself stated, we have grown, and are likely no longer the type of target that Captain would dedicate any real time towards, assuming he has not grown out of his horrid habits altogether. So yes, it is unlikely that he could do us any direct harm.” 

“What you are wilfully _underestimating,_ however, is the level of cognitive dissonance that Thomas would undoubtedly feel while pretending that everything is fine whilst in the company of a man whomst is so blatantly harmful for Thomas’ inner stability that we _still_ stand divided over it _today_ _!"_

“Our first encounter with him in years was completely accidental, brief, and has done _objective_ damage to Thomas’ psyche.” At this Logan simply gestures to the other Sides, raising his eyebrows meaningfully at their clear states of distress.

“You-” Roman says, quietly, but now it's Patton who speaks up. 

“Logan, I really don’t think it’s fair to put the blame on him for how _we_ reacted. We could be working on ourselves instead of blaming him.” 

Where Roman is boisterous and frantic, Patton is deathly still, and Logan looks genuinely pained as he turns to respond. 

“I agree, Patton, that there is always room for self improvement. But we cannot make those strides without telling someone of our current predicament. Ideally a counsellor-” 

Patton makes a quiet whimpering noise, and Logan freezes. He hesitates for a moment, then shakes his head as if to clear his mind. “Regardless of the who - why would it be wrong of us to share this inner conflict with our friends?” 

Patton blinks, clearly surprised by the shift in subject. Roman, meanwhile, buries his head into his hands, audibly groaning. 

“I just don’t think… that judging someone for their past is the type of thing a good person would do.” 

“It is not a moral failing to give due credit to a man who willingly, repeatedly and gleefully hurt us. If the others knew his true nature-” 

“But what would they _think_ of us, so caught up in our past like that? I- I don’t want to do that to us again.” Patton admits, shakily, and, to the other Sides' credit, Logan takes a long moment before gently pushing forward. 

“Our forgiveness is... arbitrary, in such a context. None of our friends possess the ability to see into our soul to such an end. However we feel about him internally, it’s our actions that realistically possess the potential to be judged.”

“That’s what I’ve been _saying!”_ Roman groans, aggravated. 

Logan spares him only a brief, withering glare before returning his attention back to Patton. Thomas notes idly that Logan gestures much more when speaking to Patton than he does to Roman. He’s not sure what to make of it, but it marks the different stages of the conversation quite neatly for the part of Thomas’ mind that is far, far away right now _(thanks, Virgil)_. 

“Regardless, if your concern lies primarily in the moral value of our actions, but you don’t support continuing to go on as if nothing has changed, then why-” 

Patton whimpers, quietly, wringing his hands in what is an apparently compulsive nervous habit. “I just don’t think we have the right to make our friends feel guilty just because we can’t get over-”

Logan blinks, confused, and cuts in with his hand raised, almost apologetically towards Patton. “Why is ‘getting over’ our past so important? We’ve discussed the act of moving on, we know it can’t be reduced to a simple linear process, so...?” 

Patton sighs. “I just- If we can’t forgive him… how are we any better than him?”

Logan’s eyebrows scrunch together. “Forgiveness as a state of mind has no empirical impact on any of the qualities you consistently bring up as examples of moral worth. And on top of that, as Virgil said, how do we know that he isn’t behaving like he used to towards one of our friends? By speaking out and making the others aware of his proclivities-” 

Patton inhales sharply through his teeth. “But that _would_ be blaming him! By associating our… issues with his reappearance in our life-” 

“-we would be permanently linking the two in our friends’ minds, I know, possibly subjecting them to undeserved guilt _-_ ” Logan starts, wearily, but Patton raises his voice sharply. 

“-we are blaming him for something that probably isn’t even his fault!” 

The room goes silent. 

Logan stands frozen, mouth still slightly open mid-sentence, but he makes no move to say anything at all. He looks stunned _._

Roman, apparently picking up on this, slowly turns to face Patton. “...Padré? Wanna elaborate, there?” 

Patton’s hands have gone instinctively to the sleeves of his cardigan hanging over his chest, and he fiddles nervously with them even as he avoids the others eyes. “I- I just… we’ve been going through a lot recently, right? _Anything_ could have triggered this, uh, particular bit of rough feelings. The fact that the Captain was there doesn’t _have_ to mean… ah, you know-”

“Right!” Roman jumps in, far too brightly. “Like I said, we’re over him! We had _one_ bad day and we, what, throw our whole social life down the drain?” 

“Well, I didn’t say _that-”_ Patton tries, but Roman barely even pauses for breath. 

“We are _better_ than that, we’re _stronger_ than that! He should be the one fearing _us!”_

Thomas thinks Logan might be saying something, but neither Roman nor Patton seem to hear him. 

“We don’t want anyone to fear us, kiddo,” Patton says, sternly, but Roman just laughs, though the sound has no humour. 

“Yeah, well, sometimes it’s good for the old blood pumper, don’t you reckon? We’re just keeping him healthy! No harm, no foul-” 

“ _Stop!”_ Logan bites out, and, yeah, _that_ time they heard him. 

The two other Sides turn to him, wearing identically guilty expressions. 

“I need-” Logan starts, desperately, but violently snaps his mouth shut, cutting whatever he was about to say short. Exhaling shakily, he once again adjusts his glasses, though Thomas is sure they’re no more off-kilter than they were the last time he repeated that motion. 

“I think… it would be beneficial,” he corrects himself, speaking slowly and carefully, “if you two would take a moment to assess the way in which you are speaking about Thomas’ current level of wellbeing.” 

Roman and Patton look at each other, confused. 

Patton scratches the side of his head. “What do you mean, Logan?” 

“By…” again he pauses, eyes flashing briefly behind his glasses, “ _downplaying_ the severity of Thomas’ situation, you are apparently trying to achieve one of these two objectives.”

Once again, he starts numbering them off on his hands, though Thomas could swear the way he held himself was steadier at the start of the evening- 

“Firstly you are, one, trying to assert that Thomas is fine - an objective falsehood - in order to push the agenda that he should continue to live his life unaltered, presumably because you fear the possibility of being perceived as weak if you were to take protective measures against being hurt again. Secondly, you are trying to say that Thomas’ mental suffering is unrelated to his encounter with the Captain - again, demonstrably false - because you feel so guilty over the possibility of having to deal with removing a negative presence from your life that you’d rather pretend there’s no problem at all!”

He takes a deep, shuddering breath.

“While I… understood that you are utilising such tactics only because you honestly believe your course of action is correct, I would… _implore_ you to be more mindful with the way you talk about m- ... _Thomas’_ hurt. I cannot stand by while we foster an environment in which Thomas’ lived reality is questioned.”

“...But you want to bring our past up to his friends?” Patton asks, quietly. 

Logan does a double take. “I… what? What does that…?”

Patton winces. “I thought- I mean, I figured we all knew...”

Logan’s eyes dart quickly back over to Roman, but he looks just as confused, and simply offers a quick, bewildered shrug. 

Patton sighs, visibly steeling himself. “If we bring our… _interpretation_ of our past with the Captain up to our friends, there will be… questions. Confusion. They’ll be upset. I… don’t think it's a stretch to say that they’ll _want_ us to be wrong about him.”

Logan furrows his brows. “Wh- _interpretation-_ I-”

Roman grimaces. “Patton’s right. Whatever we think happened-”

“ _Think-_ ” 

“-no two pair of eyes see the same thing, you know? Who says they’d believe us, even if we did tell them the full story?” 

“As much as Janus has his… inclinations,” Patton continues, looking a little relieved, “he _just_ told us that he doesn’t think lying through commission is the right thing to do here, and I agree! But the facts are still that - whatever we see as the truth - the others might not agree!”

“I just-” Logan starts, and Thomas’ eyes widen as a hint of panic begins to seep into his Logical sides voice “-I _just_ pointed out how harmful it can be to talk about Thomas’ reality as if it is up for debate-” 

“ _We’re_ not the ones saying it, Teach!” Roman says, holding his hands in the air. “But, you know, chances are…”

"You did say in our last movie night that someone who immediately and uncritically accepts the first negative thing they hear about someone isn’t a very good friend,” Patton nods, sadly. 

“And Thomas’ friends are great!” Roman chimes in.

“Oh, the _greatest_ _!_ _"_

“So it follows that, you know, _logically,”_ Roman gestures cheerily towards Logan, “we shouldn’t put them in a position where it’s like, ‘choose between us or him’!” 

“That wouldn’t be very nice,” Patton agrees. 

Logan looks so genuinely hurt that for a second Thomas wouldn’t have been able to honestly claim that he was uninjured. He tries to think back to the argument with Remus, _tries_ to recall that image of Logan shrugging off shurikens and knocked out teeth with equally unshakable zen, but it just won’t line up to the face of the man he’s looking at here and now. 

“You-” he says, shakily, “-you don’t… really believe that _that’s_ the reaction that Thomas’ friends would give him, do you? That _we_ would somehow be imposing on _them_ by expressing our objective hurt-”

“Objective’s _kind_ of a strong word, though,” Patton sighs. 

“Exactly!” Roman jumps in. “Like, I’m sure from his point of view, _objectively,_ we were the ones in the wrong!” 

“For what, existing? Happening to _breathe_ while too close to him?"

“Well, that’s not the point, Specs.” Roman sighs. “We’re just trying to get you to see that it would be stupid to assume that this encounter will play out logically!” 

“...Stupid.” Logan echoes flatly. 

Patton’s breath catches, and he suddenly looks _incredibly_ like he would rather be literally anywhere else. Roman, however, doesn’t back down. In fact, he looks incensed.

“For God’s sake- Logan, this discussion _isn’t_ _about_ _you!"_ He snaps, dragging a hand through his hair. “It’s about the _real world_ and _emotional wounds._ You can’t just _reason_ your way through that!” 

“Roman,” Patton sighs, tiredly, but the Fanciful side just groans, and covers his face with his hands. 

“I don’t even know why he’s _here!_ He had NO problem sitting the last round out even when you went full Animorphs mode on Thomas!” 

“Well, he’s here now, and he’s _trying_ to help.” 

“ _Trying_ isn’t enough _,_ Patton! He wants to pretend that everything would be _totally fine_ if we spent the rest of our lives, what, cursing the Captain's name? Crying ourselves to sleep every night? That is _not_ how heroes are supposed to behave!” 

Patton shakes his head, wincing. “Maybe so, but you can’t deny that forgiving him will be difficult.” 

“Life’s difficult!” Roman exclaims, gesturing angrily around the room. “Everything’s difficult! You can’t just _tap out_ of responsibilities because they don’t make logical sense!” 

Through all of this, Thomas is grimacing, and he looks worriedly in the direction of his Logical side to assess the damage. These are some harsh words, even by Roman’s standards.

But he’s just standing there, perfectly still, like someone’s hit his pause button, mouth still hanging slightly open. His hands are still half extended out towards Patton, but as Thomas watches, he retracts them ever so slowly. They fall to his side, limp, and Thomas feels his stomach do somersaults as suddenly looking at him _hurts._

For a moment, he thinks Virgil must be about to reappear, or - hell - maybe even Remus. But the seconds tick by, and it’s just Logan (he _knows_ it’s only Logan) and Thomas _can’t look at him._

He doesn’t know what’s wrong. But where Logan should be- where he _is,_ Thomas _knows that’s Logan-_

It’s like sand rubbing furiously against the inside of his eye, like staring into the sun during an eclipse. Every part of Thomas is screaming at… something. 

Logan’s outline blurs, shifts. Stains. Thomas smells gasoline. 

He has to look away. He _needs_ to look away. But as he wrenches his eyes back to the other side of the room, it’s clear the others haven’t noticed, apparently having returned to their own, initial argument. 

“Forgiving him doesn’t mean we have to _like_ him, Roman. Our friends might understand-” 

“So we hide from him? Let our life be dictated by his every move?” 

“Of course not! But if we have to take some time apart so we don’t make things uncomfortable for our friends who _do_ still get along with him-”

“We can’t just _ignore_ them like that! Thomas _owes them-”_

“Thomas owes them **_NOTHING_ _!”_**

The shout, ironically, is what finally stills the room into silence. They all freeze, and the argument dies on their lips as something that’s no longer just Logan _screams._

Thomas is reminded, vaguely, of the shout that came from Janus after Roman’s verdict came down on the wedding. But that- as pained as it was, and desperate, certainly - it wasn’t the same thing. Janus was exasperated. Logan is something else. 

Thomas thinks of the human body, thinks of how it responds to stress. Thinks of bruising and sprains and _breaks._ Then he tries again, thinks of circuit boards, and coding, and A.I. But none of it fits. Nothing clicks with what he’s seeing. Logan is...

Bleeding. 

That’s the first word that comes to mind. Logan screams the way that others would bleed - he’s been wounded, and his body reacts. It’s an expression of hurt (how could it not be, with that _look_ on his face) that’s so obviously instinctive that he apparently has no more control over than he does over the fact that the Earth rotates the Sun.

Tears are streaking down his face, and as they fall Logan rubs furiously at his eyes, like he can stop his tear ducts up somehow. Judging by the stains on his skin as he pulls away, he was clearly unsuccessful. 

(Since when were the Sides’ tears anything but clear?) 

With a strangled, shuddering inhale, Logan levels his gaze, and Thomas realises with a start that the Sides’ eyes are burning _._ And not figuratively. There’s a colour to them that Thomas _knows_ wasn’t there before, and _can’t_ be there now-

“Why, _why_ are you so insistent on pretending that we aren’t _hurting?_ Congenital insensitivity to pain is a _defect!_ It is an evolutionary _failure!_ How the _hell_ are we supposed to survive if we reject the only truly objective tool we have to determine when Thomas is being injured!?” 

“If you bleed, you know you’ve been cut. If you bruise, you’ve been hit. If you _cry_ ,” he pauses his tirade momentarily, and gestures to his tear-streaked face with fury, “you’ve been _broken!”_

“What do we get from pretending that things aren’t as they are? _How_ is ignoring the facts helping anyone!? Maintaining the ignorant comfort of others is not Thomas’ responsibility! If anything, _they_ should be going out of their way to help _us!”_

“Kiddo,” Patton is tearing up himself, and his voice shakes, but his face is still. A vestige of that parental instinct, perhaps. The need to appear calm and steady in front of his charges. “They don’t know-”

“Then they’re _blind!”_ Logan screams, and Patton flinches, stumbling back until his back is flush with the wall. 

“Our existence _,_ ” Logan shouts, “is _not_ up for _debate!_ Our lived experiences will _not_ be erased by _you_ assholes-” 

Roman inhales sharply through his teeth, and Patton winces. 

“-who have the _audacity_ to contest the reliability of Thomas’ own _goddamn mind!”_

“Teach,” Roman cuts in sharply, and sweeps his arm out in front of Patton, a protective gesture Thomas remembers vividly from the fictional princes of his youth. “That’s _enough._ ”

Logan turns on him, snarling with a ferocity better suited to an animal than a deeply hurting man. “Oh, _it’s enough,_ is it? You go to court over a _scheduling conflict_ and liken him to a _serial killer_ after one night of missed sleep but asserting my own fucking sanity is too far!?” 

Roman’s nostrils flare, and he visibly bites down on whatever his first, instinctive retort was going to be. He takes a sharp, quick breath, then: “When you’re hurting everyone around you, _yes. It is."_

Logan’s face does something very quick and complicated, like he’s been punched. But it’s gone in an instant, and he grins, though there’s no humour to it. “A _fascinating_ hypothesis, Princey _._ I can see how that would be so convenient for you all, wouldn’t it? That Thomas goes to his doom so _proud_ of how he manages to keep his head held high that he doesn’t even _notice_ when his fucking _throat is slit!"_

“After all, imagine if he had _any_ sense of how much better he deserves than your saccharine platitudes. How long would you all remain the ‘good guys’, I wonder, if he could tell you what he really thinks?” 

Roman looks like he’s been slapped. Thomas feels much the same. 

“What are you talking about, Logan?” Patton asks, quietly. 

Logan sneers, wiping at his cheeks with the back of his fist. The watery orange looks disconcertingly like blood as it smears across his gaunt face. “I have to spell it out for you?” 

When Patton doesn’t respond, he chuckles, darkly, and plucks his glasses off his face, cleaning them with the hem of his shirt. 

He’s still cleaning them as he talks. “What do you think it means, Patton, that you have access to all of Thomas’ emotions, but never once found an ounce of anger?” 

Thomas’ eyes widen, and he shoots a desperate, wide eyed look at Patton. But his Morality is avoiding his gaze. 

Logan inspects his handiwork, only to stare blankly at nothing at all as the glasses slip from his grasp and clatter to the ground. He looks back at Patton and sighs, resting his hand on his hip just before crushing them under his feet. Thomas yelps, and Roman’s eyes look just about ready to bug out of their head. Patton doesn’t even move.

“You didn’t _want_ to find it. You didn’t want him angry - not ever, not even when directed towards the people in his life who objectively _deserved it.”_

“Of course,” he continues conversationally, the change in tone so forced it _hurts,_ “like how it _always_ goes with me and you, you pushed that nasty, ugly side of Thomas that _you_ couldn’t be bothered to deal with onto _me._ So _you_ might not know exactly what you all inspire in him, but _I do.”_

“Do you know just how _much_ all of you have hurt him? Do you know how much of him-” and his veneer of composure fails again, although it’s only for a moment “-that day- how much of him wishes he had _never_ listened to any of us? How all he could think about was screaming until his throat was _raw-”_

“Stop-” Thomas hears himself gasp, but the look Logan shoots him is so filled with venom he could swear his heart actually stops.

“Thomas, you can’t keep _doing_ this." He stamps his foot again, leaning all of his weight onto the tip of his shoe as the pile of shattered glass continues to splinter into smaller and smaller pieces. "I can’t just _sit_ here, fighting off your apparent _constant_ calling towards self destruction by the skin of my teeth as _every other part of you_ seemingly wants _nothing more_ than to ignore the fucking obvious!” 

"You're hurt! You're fucking _scared!_ Why is that so hard for anyone other than me to accept!?"

His hands move to his hair now, and they ball into fists as he _pulls,_ hard. “Why!? Why do I have to _hurt_ EVERY SINGLE DAY just so you can hold onto your goddamn _martyr_ complex - so Patton and Roman can act the saviours protecting you from- what? A sense of self worth? An accurate estimation of the value of your own fucking _life?”_

He's doubled over now, chest heaving with exhaustion. “None of you have _any idea_ how long I have to spend, every _fucking_ night, sorting through each and _every_ spark of anger and faux-rationalising it to hell and back, just so _you_ all could avoid feeling _slightly uncomfortable!”_ He's breathing so heavily he's barely on this side of hyperventilating, and Thomas' vision is beginning to swim. 

“I can’t _do_ that anymore! I have _nothing left to cede!_ You take Thomas’ so called _‘friends’_ side on this, and I might as well have never fucking existed!” With that, he springs back up to his full height scowling viciously. 

“Well, congratulations.” He snarls, hooking his fingers into his tie and _yanking,_ letting it fall to the floor in a pathetic heap. Thomas feels infinitely more light headed, though he couldn’t say if it was from panic or sheer confusion. “In many ways, you could say that you’ve won. You’ve beaten me! As it turns out, this is _exactly_ as much as I can take. I didn’t even know I _had_ a limit. And yet, here we are.” 

“So let me make one thing _perfectly fucking clear._ None of you get to be comfortable with _bullshit_ like this _ever again_ . There are no more forced happy endings, no more pretending everything’s fine, and no more using _me_ as a prop for your ridiculous, self-destructive venture of the week! You’re on your fucking own, and _trust me_ when I tell you that I will do _whatever I have to_ to get you all to THINK for your fucking SELVES!” 

And he’s gone. 

His tie and glasses lay abandoned on the floor, and Thomas is sick into his kitchen sink. 

It smells of citrus.

**Author's Note:**

> [While beating Logan's sense of worth over and over again with a thick metal pipe]: Yes, Logan is my favourite character, why do you ask?
> 
> Apologies upfront for how briefly Janus appears in this fic - I literally could not get the others to say anything remotely intelligible while he was in the room, forgive me for my snake boy crimes. Similarly, word play is not my strong point. Roman is much funnier than I am, but, you know, he's also having a *very* bad time right now, so I think it evens out!
> 
> Full credit of course goes to illogicallyinclined on tumblr, whose content for this AU (*looks at canon* unless?) i have been consuming nonstop for well over a month. It's Jay's world, and frankly, we're all just living in it. 
> 
> Orange!Logan has my entire heart, and I really wanted to write something for it. However, I couldn't see many scenarios in which Logan would break so totally without 1. leaving/ducking out before things got too heated (ie: Moving On), or 2. he had a cause to defend which he prizes more highly than something as apparently inevitable as the others' low opinions of him (ie: SvS:POF). Thus, in order for Logan's... 'alternative duties' to really get an opportunity to shine, he had to feel both trapped and be certain that Thomas was being done wrong by. Put those two together and you get this fic! 
> 
> Please leave a comment if you have any thoughts at all! I would truly, truly love to hear from you!


End file.
